Funny Excuses

This section brings humour to calling into work. Some employers might not like an excuse from this category because it may be hard to believe or very stupid. I suggest using funny excuses if an employer is very easy going, you don't give a damn about your job or if you are planning to quit.

1. I'm not coming in today, I just came down with spring fever.

2. I can't come in, I still feel drunk from last night, it's not safe to drive.

3. I won't be coming into work today, or ever again. I found a better job where I'm actually happy and make more money.

4. I can't make it to work today. I lost all my money last night due to online poker. I have no money for gas or the bus.

5. I can't possibly make it in today, my fish had a heart attack and it's very sick so I'm taking the fish to the vet.

6. I'm not coming into work today, I'm having eye trouble and I cannot see work today.

7. My arm is stuck inside a blood pressure machine at the store, I can't come in.

8. I can't come in, I was cleaning my ears and I got a ear tip stuck in my ear. I'm going to check this out.

9. I am not coming in today, I spent all my money on lottery tickets and I have no gas money until payday.

10. I'm not coming into work today, my puppy is having an off day.

11. I'm not coming in, I'm locked shut inside my washroom. I don't know if this is a prank or my door is broken, but I can't get out.

12. I'm not coming into work today, I'm still not finished playing online poker. If I'm not done by tomorrow, I will continue at work.

13. I'm not going to make it today, I lost my keys skiing and I can't leave until they appear.

14. I'm not coming into work today, I don't want to be late so I'm calling in sick.

15. I can't come in, I have misplaced my shoes!

16. I am not coming into work today, I was abducted by aliens last night and I still need sometime to recover.

17. I can't make it to work, my bicycle has a flat tire, so I'm taking it to the mechanics.

18. My cat hid my keys because he/she gets lonely when I leave to work, I can't come into work unless I find my keys.

19. I'm not coming into work today, I was brushing my teeth and squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube. It's going to take me all day to put it back in the tube.

20. I'm not coming to work, the sheets on my bed are too heavy and I perfer not to do the lifting.

21. I'm not coming into work today, the lady down the street, just hung her laundry up to dry and if I drive by, the dust will mess it up.

22. I'm not coming into work today, last night my girlfriend/boyfriend and I were having sex, and she/he used handcuffs on me. During sex my dog ate the keys and now we have to wait until he/she poops them out.

23. I won't be coming in today, I dropped my keys in the snow, and I'm waiting for the tempeture to warm up so I can find them.

24. I'm not coming in, I'm stuck in Las Vegas.

25. I can't come into work today all my fingers are stuck together with crazy glue

26. I'm not coming into work today, I have to wait until my kids go to school so I can go into their piggy bank to pay for my gas.

27. My cat and dog made love for the first time, I'm staying home for this memorable moment.

28. I can't come into work today, my best friend is getting a divorce and I have to be their to support him. (we all knew they wouldn't last so we threw one minute rice)

29. I'm not coming into work today, I went trick or treating last night and a home owner beat me up for going trick or treating when it't not halloween.

30. I'm not coming into work today, the voices in my head told me to clean all my guns today.

31. I'm not coming in today, the spiders in my room finally finished cobwebbing me down and I can't move, they were nice enough to let me use the phone.

32. I can't come into today, I feel like I've earned a day off.

33. I'm not coming into work today, my water bed exploded this morning and my room is flooded.

34. I can't come into work today, my wifes breast are sore from her breast enlargement so I have to stay home and gently rub her tits.

35. My hamster died and I'm having a funeral (or serious..?/late)

36. I'm not coming into work today and I can't tell you why, because you can't handle the truth.

37. I finish washing my clothes and put them in the jumping dryer and when the clothes was done, the dryer didnt stop jumping. I unplugged the dryer and it kept jumping, so I have to get this jumpy dryer out of my house, sorry I cant come in.

38. I won't be able to come into today, I haven't payed my electricity bill and I can't see myself getting ready for work.

39. I can't come into work today, my mp3 player is missing and I can only wake up to music on my alarm clock.

40. I'm not coming into today, theres an emu in the backyard and I'm waiting for my family to get here so they can see this. Then I'm calling animal patrol, I don't know how it got in.

41. I can't come into work today, I was waiting in drive thru line for coffee and breakfast, then when I finally got out of drive thru, I got tired again and going home to sleep it off.

42. I can't come into work today, my roommates girlfriend/boyfriend is camping in the washroom and I can't get in to brush my teeth or shower!

43. I'm sorry I'm late but I'll leave early to make up for it.

44. I can't come in today, a mini airplane crashed into my house.

45. I'm sorry I'm not coming in, there's a shark in my kitchen and it won't let me out.

46. I'm sorry I can't come into work today, I just bought a new car and since its raining I don't want to get it wet.

47. I'm going to be late today, my room is cold and my girlfriend is warm.

48. I 'm sorry I'm going to be late, my bra snapped off while driving and I need to turn around and go home to change.

49. I'm sorry I took an erection pill this morning and I have had an erection for four hours so I called viagara and they told me to go to the hospital.

50. I'm not coming into work today, my vehicle was commandeered(taken over) by a police officer for a car chase.

51. I'm not coming to work today, I had a crazy time in vegas and got married, and today I'm getting divorced.

52. A cricket army made a fort in around my house and they won't let me out! 53. I can't come in today, my fingers accidentally got stuck together with super glue, I'm going to check it out.

54. A beaver family started building a damn in front of my house, and I don't want to stir nature so I can't come today.

55. I had a bad cough today, I took to much cough syrup and now I'm drunk. (Talk with a slur) (funny or serious!)

56. I don't know why I'm late, I just am, time is going faster today.

58. My hamster is having babies, so I can't come in today.

57. I can't come to work because I can't find my work shoes, and I can't afford new ones with my pay rate.

59. I won a contest on the radio, and I have 5 hours to go and claim the prize. (make up a radio station and you won a week trip for a concert!)

60. I can't come to work, I seen a shooting star, I made a wish for a day off and its coming true.

61. I was given tickets for a show today and I'm attending because my future is at state.

62. I can't come into work today, I'm protesting against your company/business.

63. I'm not coming in, I want to save you money. I'm going to be very unproductful if I come in. I'll probably sleep on the job, or eat for free, brake something, not sure, but I want to save you some coin.

64. None of my nephews/nieces gave my high fives yesterday at the family party. My self esteem went down the drain and I'm not coming in today.

65. I can't possibly come in, I'm very absent minded today.

66. I won't make it in today, an alligator showed up in my backyard and I'm not leaving home until I get it out of my property. (or is this excuse dead serious..?)

67. I got to work, and then suddenly left because I felt nausious as soon as I seen the building/store. (or serious..?)

68. I'm not coming in, I'd hate to ruin my hectic day with work.

69. I can't come into work, a helicopter was waiting for me when I went outside, so I hopped on. It seems more important.

70. I'm not coming in, I feel like hibernating.

71. I am inflexible today, I am unable to bend. I can't come in.

72. I can't come into work today, my house has been invaded by immagrints.

73. My intestines are claughed and it hurts, because it feels like my rear exit is building up full of old poo. I'm calling for help because I am taking excesive amounts fibre now, see if I can brake the wall of china in my ass. I can barely walk from the pain and I'm not coming into work today. (Also found in health)

74. I won't be coming into work today, my house has been taken by refugees.

75. My stomach feels like butter, I can't come into work today.

77. I'm not coming in today, there is no incentive for me to show up.

76. I can't come into work today, I can't possibly concentrate on focusing.

78. I'm irritated of work and I'm going to go to the doctors to get some medication.

79. I'm dreading coming in today and would feel super unproductive if I come in, so I'm not.

80. My doctor reccomended exercise, so I'm taking the day to exercise instead of work.

81. I'm addicted to video games, I almost beat the last level, I'm coming in as soon as I beat the game.(Your probably going to get fired if you use this excuse, test your luck!)

82. I was masturbating this morning, and my kid/nephew put glue in my lotion bottle and my hand is stuck to my penis/vagina. I'm going to get a doctor to help me get out of this crazy situation. I'm not coming in.

83. There is a drunk native on my lawn, I asked him to leave, but he doesn't understand me and won't get up. He keeps saying this is his native land. I'm staying here to watch him and I'm not coming in.

84. I can't come into work today, I was nestling in my girlfriend's breast and I got stuck.

85. I'm absoulutely not coming into work today, I have people to see, places to go and things to do.

86. I was walking down the street in my crocs and homeless people said "look! It could be worse". I'm not coming in, now, I'm depressed and rethinking my life.

87. I'm not coming in ever again, I have adapted to a nocturnal lifestyle.

88. I have another employer that pays me better and scheduled me in for today, so I'm going to that job instead.

89. I can't come into work, a boat crashed into my house, I have to stay here and wait.

90. I can't make it today, I'm stuck in the ghetto, and I can't get out.

92. I can't come into work, I fought the law and the law won.

91. I made my wife hurt so good that she fainted. I'm taking her to get checked up, I can't come in.

93. I accidentally took an erection pill instead of a headache pill and I can't come into work like this.

94. I'm not coming into work today, a gorilla is in my living room.

95. I can't go to work I ran out of underwear and I don't go commando. 96. I can't come into work today, the lens in my eye isn't reversing the image in my retina, so everything is upside down today.

97. I'm giving up work for lent so I'm not coming into work today or for the next 40 days. (40 days of a christian event)

98. I got my tounge piercing stuck inside my girlfriend/boyfriend's vagina/penis peircing. I'm in a weird situation so I can't come into work today. (when you speak, speak as if your tounge is stuck on something outside your mouth)

99. A super scary monster won't let me leave my room so I can't come into work today.

100. My child is addicted to video games so I'm taking him to the doctors, because he/she won't stop playing!

101. I'm signing up to be an organ donor today, since I just started driving a motocycle. (donor-cycles)

102. An native hunter looking man shot me with a cross bow when I walked out my front door. I'm hurt but I'm not going out front to face him again. Not coming in.

103. I smell really, really bad and my shower isn't working so I'm not coming in because I don't want you to lose customers.

104. I would be slacking all shift if I come in. So I'm not.

105. I was called in for an interview for a job that I actually enjoy doing. So I going to go check that out and if it doesn't work out there, I'll be back tomorrow.

106. I'm not able to come in to work today, I've been thinking way to much and it's starting to hurt.

107. I think harbouring a different species and so I need to be a good host, I can't come in.

108. I had a really bad nightmare, I feel traumitized I not coming into work today.

109. I'm not coming into work today, my dreams told me I can do better.

110. I'm not coming into work today, I don't feel free when I'm at work.

111. I can't come into work, I have some deadly gas fumes coming out my rear end and I would make your company lose business.

113. I'm not coming into work today, my partner from last night left me asleep handcuffed to my bed.

114. I'm not coming into work today, I'm settling with taking the day/ night off.

115. I'm not coming in today, my friend's were making fun of me saying I'm not spontaneous, so I'm spontaneously getting married today with a stripper I met last night.

116. I-I-I ca-ca-can't co-co-come t-to wo-work to-today, M-m-m-my sp- sp-speech i-i-is s-s-so stu-stu-studerry s-so I-I-I a-am go-go-going to ge-ge-get it che-checked ou-out. (Speak slowly and speak as if you cannot spe-speak)

117. I can't come into work today, my subconcious is telling me not to come into work today.

118. I'm not coming into work today, I feel suffocatted at work with the increase in work load

119. Funny late- I have all the street lights timed, and they were all red today, I'm going to be a tad late.

120. I'll be late today, I was waiting for the cable guy, but remembered you don't pay me enough to afford cable. So I cancelled and I'm on my way.

121. I'm going to be late my left blinker is broken so I'm going to make right turns all the way to work.

122. I'm going to be late, it's foggy and I missed the exit/building.

124. I'm not coming to work today, it feels like a Sunday.

123. I'm not coming into work today, my wife is getting pregnant, and I would like to be present.

125. I'm not coming in, I picked up an abandonned cat today and I got allergies so I turned around and staying home today with my new cat that I'm allergic to.

126. I'm can't come in today, I hooked up with quite a few people last night and my body is very worn out. I might come in tomorrow, unless it happens again tonight. 127. I'm not coming in, I hate waking up on Mondays for work. 128. I'm not coming in today, I have an interview for another job.

129. I'm sorry I missed my shift because I was partying so hard last night that I didn't wake up until right now.

130. I am on house arrest and I was advised I can't leave today, I don't know why, but I should listen to the law.

131. My boyfriend got all this sperm in my eyes after intercourse and I'm really having troubles seeing, I can't open my eyes because they sting too much. I cannot come into work.(female)

BONUS I can't come into work, we built a pool in the attic last night and my house is flooded. I'm swimming around my living room right now looking for my wallet, so maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

BONUS I will not make it to work today, my self driving Tesla does not recognize the work address, and it drove me to the golf course instead.

BONUS I can't come into work today, and I can't find my book of excuses to give you a valid excuse, so I hope you appreciate my honesty, see you tomorrow?

BONUS I make it to work today, there is a rainbow really close to my home and my sixth sense has a good feeling about finally finding that pot of gold.