Funny Excuses


This section brings humour to calling into work. Some employers might not like an excuse from this category because it may be hard to believe or very stupid. I suggest using funny excuses if an employer is very easy going, you don't give a damn about your job or if you are planning to quit.



1. I'm not coming in today, I just came down with spring fever.

2. I can't come in, I still feel drunk from last night, it's not safe to drive.

3. I won't be coming into work today, or ever again. I found a better job where I'm actually happy and make more money.

4. I can't make it to work today. I lost all my money last night due to online poker. I have no money for gas or the bus.

5. I can't possibly make it in today, my fish had a heart attack and it's very sick so I'm taking the fish to the vet.

6. I'm not coming into work today, I'm having eye trouble and I cannot see work today.

7. My arm is stuck inside a blood pressure machine at the store, I can't come in.

8. I can't come in, I was cleaning my ears and I got a ear tip stuck in my ear. I'm going to check this out.

9. I am not coming in today, I spent all my money on lottery tickets and I have no gas money until payday.

10. I'm not coming into work today, my puppy is having an off day.

11. I'm not coming in, I'm locked shut inside my washroom. I don't know if this is a prank or my door is broken, but I can't get out.

12. I'm not coming into work today, I'm still not finished playing online poker. If I'm not done by tomorrow, I will continue at work.

13. I'm not going to make it today, I lost my keys skiing and I can't leave until they appear.

14. I'm not coming into work today, I don't want to be late so I'm calling in sick.

15. I can't come in, I have misplaced my shoes!

16. I am not coming into work today, I was abducted by aliens last night and I still need sometime to recover.

17. I can't make it to work, my bicycle has a flat tire, so I'm taking it to the mechanics.

18. My cat hid my keys because he/she gets lonely when I leave to work, I can't come into work unless I find my keys.

19. I'm not coming into work today, I was brushing my teeth and squeezed to much toothpaste out of the tube. It's going to take me all day to put it back in the tube.

20. I'm not coming to work, the sheets on my bed are too heavy and I perfer not to do the lifting.

21. I'm not coming into work today, the lady down the street, just hung her laundry up to dry and if I drive by, the dust will mess it up.

22. I'm not coming into work today, last night my girlfriend/boyfriend and I were having sex, and she/he used handcuffs on me. During sex my dog ate the keys and now we have to wait until he/she poops them out.

23. I won't be coming in today, I dropped my keys in the snow, and I'm waiting for the tempeture to warm up so I can find them.

24. I'm not coming in, I'm stuck in Las Vegas.

25. I can't come into work today all my fingers are stuck together with crazy glue

26. I'm not coming into work today, I have to wait until my kids go to school so I can go into their piggy bank to pay for my gas.

27. My cat and dog made love for the first time, I'm staying home for this memorable moment.

28. I can't come into work today, my best friend is getting a divorce and I have to be their to support him. (we all knew they wouldn't last so we threw one minute rice)

29. I'm not coming into work today, I went trick or treating last night and a home owner beat me up for going trick or treating when it't not halloween.

30. I'm not coming into work today, the voices in my head told me to clean all my guns today.

31. I'm not coming in today, the spiders in my room finally finished cobwebbing me down and I can't move, they were nice enough to let me use the phone.

32. I can't come into today, I feel like I've earned a day off.

33. I'm not coming into work today, my water bed exploded this morning and my room is flooded.

34. I can't come into work today, my wifes breast are sore from her breast enlargement so I have to stay home and gently rub her tits.

35. My hamster died and I'm having a funeral (or serious..?/late)

36. I'm not coming into work today and I can't tell you why, because you can't handle the truth.

37. I finish washing my clothes and put them in the jumping dryer and when the clothes was done, the dryer didnt stop jumping. I unplugged the dryer and it kept jumping, so I have to get this jumpy dryer out of my house, sorry I cant come in.

38. I won't be able to come into today, I haven't payed my electricity bill and I can't see myself getting ready for work.

39. I can't come into work today, my mp3 player is missing and I can only wake up to music on my alarm clock.

40. I'm not coming into today, theres an emu in the backyard and I'm waiting for my family to get here so they can see this. Then I'm calling animal patrol, I don't know how it got in.

41. I can't come into work today, I was waiting in drive thru line for coffee and breakfast, then when I finally got out of drive thru, I got tired again and going home to sleep it off.

42. I can't come into work today, my roommates girlfriend/boyfriend is camping in the washroom and I can't get in to brush my teeth or shower!

43. I'm sorry I'm late but I'll leave early to make up for it.

44. I can't come in today, a mini airplane crashed into my house.

45. I'm sorry I'm not coming in, there's a shark in my kitchen and it won't let me out.

46. I'm sorry I can't come into work today, I just bought a new car and since its raining I don't want to get it wet.

47. I'm going to be late today, my room is cold and my girlfriend is warm.

48. I 'm sorry I'm going to be late, my bra snapped off while driving and I need to turn around and go home to change.

49. I'm sorry I took an erection pill this morning and I have had an erection for four hours so I called viagara and they told me to go to the hospital.

50. I'm not coming into work today, my vehicle was commandeered(taken over) by a police officer for a car chase.

51. I'm not coming to work today, I had a crazy time in vegas and got married, and today I'm getting divorced.

52. A cricket army made a fort in around my house and they won't let me out!

CLICK HERE TO GET ACCESS TO REST OF THE FUNNY EXCUSES WHEN YOU ORDER THE BOOK! 1000 EXCUSES IN VARIOUS CATEGORIES. THE FUNNIEST COFFEE TABLE BOOK YOU WILL EVER OWN.